Get Out of Africa

I guess folks are rushing off to Africa for vacation because it is now it is considered safer than Mexico. I discerned all I desire to know about the Dark Continent's inhabitants by visiting the zoo and natural history museums. What I found was that Africa is where they put all the animals made up of leftover parts..Hippos, Gnus, Aardvarks and Hyenas to name a few.  It is also the land of all creatures about which one can make jokes and hold to ridicule. All these animals have an interesting life cycle. They begin their existence on the planes and bush  of Africa and end up as a table, rug or wall decor in another country. I have watched enough hunting shows to know what is involved in an African safari (photo or otherwise).
You have servants and live in a clean tent or base camp.
Sightseers are driven around in jeeps and mini buses.
"Hunters" have a team of men who trail the beasts for them and stick their fingers in animal dung to determine how fresh the deposit is. Then they hack trails with their machetes and stand by to kill the unsuspecting animal if the "hunter" fails to kill it with his large caliber rifle.
The "hunter" salves his conscience by relating that the meat from the kill is distributed to the poor inhabitants of the nearby village. (Yes, I also know the argument that elephants destroy crops and big cats attack folks, but if you extrapolate that to our ranch, rattlesnakes will kill you and deer eat the crops, too.  I don't notice any philanthropic effort on behalf of these terrors of nature.) In reality, if the hunter just forked over the up to $45,000 for the lion hunt, the entire community would be better off.
One can shoot a monkey or a baboon for about a hundred bucks, but why would you want to? Porcupines are harvested at the same rate, but I can save you lots of time and money.  We have them all over the ranch.  We can also offer you coyotes, which are almost as much fun as jackals, and we won't charge you $80. I just don't get it...


Blue light special!




"Officer, I'm not lyin'. It was self-defense."



"Def Leppard? I Thought you said dead leopard."