Fashion Plate

If you like Texas Jot, please take a look at my other blog, Fashion Plate. It is the home of my handmade retro Barbie clothes and lots of delicious recipes from my cookbooks.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Spanx, Control-top Panty Hose and Wonder Bras

Friends, Midlanders, countrymen and women...lend me your ears. I come to bury Seizures, not to praise them!

I do apologize that this diatribe will be more easily understood by women, but if you men are having trouble relating, just substitute the words "small-sized Speedo" for any of the female accoutrement's mentioned.

It is basic physics, that if you take fat from one part of the body and stuff it into something way too tight to accommodate it, it will pop out somewhere else. If you have every tried on a Wonder Bra, you know it provides a sensation similar to drowning in your own bosoms. If you can overcome this sensation and think that it is natural looking to have breasts that begin right under your chin, you might just find this new voluptuousness alluring. Just beware of the ferocity of the fallout which occurs when the bra is removed.

Control-top panty hose seem like a good idea...just a little smoothing under that clingy dress. Unfortunately, the manufactures didn't seem to know when to stop with the "control". After wrestling into a pair of these, without puncturing a hole in them, you are left with iron-maiden thighs, a flat stomach and a lovely muffin-top arising over the extremely tight elastic waist.

Spanx was touted as the rescuers of superfluous fat. They make form-fitting camisoles, leg restraints and full body armour. Alas, there is still the problem of fat leakage. Where one of these elements stop, an unsightly bulge will occur. The solution? Wear them in tandem...yes, head-to-toe Spanx. This will work as long as you don't mind having fat ankles and dealing with the sensation that you are in a compression suit.

Up rise, women and Speedo men and take back your fat. Let it rest where it belongs. Stop this unnatural body seizure and live and breathe in a restraint-free society.

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