Good Christian Bitches Book Review

While use of the "B" word may have sent half the world into a tizzy when it was used in conjunction with the word "Christian," one really needs to read the book to realize that the intent of the term was to convey that piety doesn't always walk hand-in-hand with church attendance.

According to the main character, Amanda, the explanation is, "If you're professing to be a good Christian, you're claiming to have a desire to be like Christ, to have a heart like His.  When a good Christian hides behind the cross while putting herself and her worldly desires ahead of their desire to be like Christ, at any and everyone elses expense when she deems it necessary, she becomes a good Christian bitch.  I mean, for heaven's sake, don't let Jesus get in the way of a good agenda."
Okay, so maybe another choice of words would have made a more acceptable title, but I can guarantee, the author's publisher jumped at the chance to stir up a little controversy.  I mean, "Women Not Acting in Accordance With Christian Principles," is not going to sell books.  I don't know whether author, Kim Gatlin, likes or approves of the ABC series GCB, which has stirred such controversy.  I have not seen it, but ONE and TWO both said it was abysmal on many levels.  As an author, I know that you have little or no control over what happens to your material once you have written it, unless you are a well-established author.  I had to hire someone to re-design my first book cover to keep the publisher from using an image I hated.  I was lucky they agreed to take my design.  I imagine she is just taking her checks to the bank and grateful that she was published and then secured a television deal.  I guess you can add greed to her list of sins, but she is supporting a family.
The author lives in Dallas, is divorced, has two children and is a member of the Presbyterian church and charitably active.  Does anyone see a resemblance to Amanda?  I don't know whether this story is biographical or not, but if her sole intent in writing this was to get even with her Dallas pals who "done her wrong", than I find it pretty pitiful.  If however, she and her children innocently suffered at the hands of others, you can understand her anger at the hypocrisy. Then, of course, it could all be fiction.
The novel may not be everyone's idea of a good read.  It will certainly not receive any literary awards and the ending seemed as though it was cobbled together at warp speed. She does, however, make a very valid point.  Just because folks have been baptised, attend church and pray at the drop of a hat, doesn't necessarily mean that they live their professed religious convictions.  This is not a new thought.  Priests have molested children, Youth Leaders have run off with teen-age girls and Ministers have had affairs.  Parishioners have cheated on their spouses, committed crimes and abused their children.  Gossips, seemingly innocuous compared to the other items on this list, has ruined lives and hurt people.
When the gossip and innuendo begins to effect her children, Amanda remarks, "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child." Any mother could relate to her feelings.  Hateful remarks made to adolescent children can impact them their entire lives. What once was passed off as silly junior high behavior, has now been labeled "bullying". There is a national campaign  to stop this nasty business.
So, why have I used all this blog space to deal with a lousy TV program and a book with a questionable title? It is because I actually read the book and found it made some very valid points.  Those who would castigate it without even a look, are just as guilty of spreading gossip...ideas expressed as fact with out any factual basis or research.  I didn't make the idea up that gossip is evil.  For all you good Christians, it is in  the bible. "Let he among you who is without sin, cast the first stone."



Every day people cartoon by Cathy Thorne.



Laughs From Apache

Ha, ha, ha. Hee, hee, hee.
Apache so amuses me!

Guess what I received in the mail the other day?  A letter from Apache.  I will enumerate the glaring errors contained therein...
The inside address is wrong.  I don't know who lives a 12301 W. County Road 129 in Midland, but it is not us. 
The salutation is Dear Friend.  Wait a dad-gum minute!  There is no way conceivable that we could in any way be construed to be your friend, John Cristmann.  If you are sending this letter to all the folks whose land you are invading and drilling on, I think it would be safe to say that you are also not in any way, shape or form a friend or theirs, either.
Now for the really hilarious part...Apache is inviting us to participate in a sporting clays shoot. Yes, they are asking all the people they have alienated and annoyed to come together in a large, armed group.  I can only figure that they haven't been reading the papers or watching the news for about the last 25 years...disgruntled postal workers, psychopaths, misguided teens, jilted lovers and the depressed have all found a reason to open fire on an unsuspecting public.  While Apache could hardly be classified as unsuspecting, it just seems like common sense not to invite shotgun-toting persons who bear you a grudge to gather with your company's employees. 
If for some reason you do not already own a shotgun, Apache is giving away guns. "One in eight will win a gun!" Let's arm the unarmed. Here's another really relevant note: "no ammo provided."  They might give you a gun, but be sure to bring your own shotgun shells to participate in the revelry.

Personally, I think it would be prudent to take your own food, as Baker Hughes is supplying breakfast. You know, the guys that sell the drilling mud mentioned in the last blog entry.  I'm not interested in scrambled eggs with a side of carcinogens.
The conundrum posed by this event is that the shoot supports Permian Basin teachers.  I am an absolute pushover when it comes to anything involving education.  After looking over the entry form, I think I have viable solution.  On the application, right after selecting one's sponsorship level is:
Name.  How would you like to be listed in printed materials? ( I added the question mark as they erroneously used a period.)
I am staying up nights trying to come up with the perfect company name for PARTNER and me.  Here are some contenders:
Apache Stinks, LTD
Awful People Are Causing Headaches for Everyone aka APACHE
Apache Property & Wildlife Destruction
Please feel free to send me your company name suggestions.  The event isn't until April 20th.  Can't wait to see our "company name" on the sponsor list! We can help teachers and retaliate at the same time.

Apache Makes Me SIck

While I'm not blaming Apache for every case of sniffles I've had, it does seem more than a coincidence that since they came on the ranch in October, I have been on two courses on anti-biotics and steroids and PARTNER has been seriously ill three different times.  This is not typical for us.
All over the country, from Pennsylvania to Texas to Wyoming, folks seem to be suffering from what I dub, Fracking Fever.  Citizens are complaining of a range of symptoms from allergies, to asthma and migraines.
Environmental spokesperson for Encana (drilling in Pennsylvania) maintains "the small amount of chemicals used the the fracking process is sequestered and contained in the well bore and disposed of properly." I guess she hasn't seen the cesspools of drilling mud lying about our ranch.  The EPA has found chemicals used in the facking process have migrated into some drinking water systems in Wyoming.  After April 1, drillers in Colorado will be required to disclose all the chemicals used in fracking.  It has been over seven years since the U.S. House of Representatives reported the oil and gas companies are using products that contain human carcinogens.
It seems like everyone but the oil companies are acknowledging the health risks associated with drilling as something other than "anecdotal."  Does this remind you of the issue of tobacco and lung cancer?  Deny, deny, deny and face the lawsuits later. While the oil companies may be putting up a hearty PR campaign, I came across a damning material safety data sheet from Baker Hughes drilling fluids. 

Product: Diesel Oil-Based Drilling Mud
Hazards Associated with Product Use:
Combustible
Skin Hazard
Sensitizer
Nervous System Toxin
Eye Hazard
Irritant
Health Hazard Information:
Product causes eye, skin and mucous membrane irritation.  Repeated skin exposure can defat skin and cause dermatitis.  Inhalation may cause nervous system effects including drowsiness, dizziness, headaches, nausea, or blurred vision.  Aspiration my cause serious lung damage.
Chronic Effects of Overexposure
May be harmful if inhaled over a long period of time.  Lifetime skin painting studies with diesel produced carcinogenic tumors in laboratory animals.  Chronic exposures may cause allergic skin and respiratory reactions and kidney damage.
Environmental Protection Procedures:
Contain area of spill.  Cover with absorbent materials such as sand, earth of vermiculite.  Shovel into an approved waste container and dispose of .  Keep out of sewers and waterways.
Occupational Control Measures:
Wear an approved organic vapor respirator for petroleum vapors or mists.  Wear protective clothing with impervious aprons or coveralls and neoprene or butyl rubber gauntlets to prevent contact.  Wear rubber safety boots.

Do you really need to read any more?  Like the disgruntled Mayor of Dish, Texas said when he moved his family away from the drilling in the Barnett Shale because his sons were suffering massive nosebleeds, "I'm not against drilling, but I am against being poisoned."   Did I mention PARTNER and I have had nosebleeds?...my first, ever!
A biochemist, Robert Oswald, and a veterinarian and pharmacologist, Michelle Bamberger, have joined forces to document the link between natural gas operations in six states and the health problems of humans and animals in that area.  Surprise! The report indicates that exposure to drilling operations has had a detrimental health effect on domesticated animals, wildlife and humans.
So, this go-round I've been sick for three weeks.  PARTNER is still fighting allergies.  What's next? I can hardly wait to get out to the Diamond B and expose myself to something else toxic.  It shouldn't be too difficult with them drilling three new wells. Let's hope the wind is not blowing out of the east.

Booty Pop: Don't be a Sucker

I think the same people who have been busy convincing us that Mick Jagger lips are the epitome of beauty are at it again.  Now they want us to enhance our derrieres with a padded panty "that will make you look like you spent hours in the gym sculpting the perfect bottom."  For a mere $20 you can own two pairs of heavily padded underwear known as Booty Pops.
Really?   Since when does any woman in her right mind want her butt to look BIGGER?   I think you would have to purchase new jeans to even accommodate the resulting increase in hip measurement. Larger jeans are not my dream. Do you often lie awake nights thinking that your favorite knit dress would look a whole lot better if your rear end was protruding just a little more?  I didn't think so. The only possible benefit to wearing padded underwear is that it might offer some protection while participating in an extreme sport.
Wouldn't those foam pads made you sweat? Won't anyone (like your significant other) notice when you take them off and your butt disappears? Do you think those skinny Hollywood stars really wear these things?  The only folks in Tinseltown that are sporting huge behinds are the ones that were born that way.
I am so tired of folks telling women that there is something wrong with their bodies/faces.  This is just another money-grubbing attempt to play on womens' insecurities. I think I'll pass on the fake bulges stuck to my buttocks and with it my opportunity to sport a "bootylicious perky pop."

Apache March Madness

It seems there is a little glitch in Apache's mineral lease on the Diamond B, so they are scurrying to get as many wells drilled as they can. Makes you ponder the system they are using for keeping track of such things.
Right now, we have four new drilling sites and supposedly three wells being drilled simultaneously. 
Two of these wells have each been moved to different locations four times.  There is something faulty about a system where they select a drilling site by looking at a map and data without ever looking at the actual land.  What a waste of time and money...to say nothing of them tramping all over our property.  I think their determining factor in siting a well is, "How close can we get to one of their ponds?" After we have spent all the time and money to create water features on the ranch, most of them will now be sporting a pump jack and the accompanying noise.  Hardly the respite for humans and wildlife we envisioned.
If you are keeping track, our well count is now six plus the tank battery.  With three wells in progress, I figure we will have, at a minimum, 75 extra people on the ranch.  Good thing they sent us a gatekeeper.  Adding to this mess, the extraneous seismic crew is roaming around. 

All this March Madness brings me to my favorite Apache joke...

Did you know that G. Steven Farris (CEO) of Apache is a ventriloquist?
Why else would he have so many dummies working for him?!

Sure Glad They Don't Sell Cap Guns at Toys R Us

After being sick for MORE THAN TWO WEEKS, I have moved from home improvement television to cartoons.  Unfortunately, I don't understand most of the "new" cartoons. Unhappily, they have turned Bugs and Daffy into roommates.  Bugs is way too laid-back and Daffy is a not politically correct, jobless, idiot.  Bugs' girlfriend Lola is a self-centered airhead and Daffy's working girl friend, Lola is a no-nonsense  in-your-face woman. Somehow, the magic is gone. Give me Popeye bashing Bluto, any day.
The entertainment and educational value of the Cartoon Network lies only in the commercials. The girls are offered swimming mermaids, hopping bunnies, lala loopey winged dolls, Moshi monster dolls, Zoobles animals and Squinkies play figures.  Nothing sexist about that! The only gender neutral toy they advertise is good old Play Dough




Nerf Vulcan

  The boys, however, are encouraged to channel their aggression with Star Wars Fighter Pods, Darth Maul Electronic mask and saber, Nerf Lumitron Blaster(ie. GUN) and the Power Ranger Samurai Battle Gear. I'm not even going into that dangerous territory of video games.  As they are encouraged to "unleash the destruction," it makes my 1950's Roy Rogers cap pistol and cowboy hat seem innocuous.

Television Sickness

I have spent the better part of the last week in bed with a sinus infection. During that time period, I have used five boxes of Kleenex and consumed over 420 ounces of ginger ale. My sole companion through all of this has been the television. Rather than waste my time just lying there feeling sorry for myself, I decided to make the most of the educational opportunity.  This is some of what I have learned this week.
You can make 40 different meals with Hamburger Helper mixes.
Three HGTV shows you don't want to be on are: ColorSplash, The Antonio Treatment and My House Goes Disney.
Gay men don't always have good taste.
Paula Deen looks like she's had a little work done over the years.
Never put lattice on the interior of your home.
It is probably best not to consider taking a drug that has as side effects, death, cancer of permanent muscle spasms.
I can be three inches taller with heel lifts.
Everyone B-list celebrity is on a diet plan.
Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads is not pregnant...just curvy.
There is no such thing as a pretty tattoo.
Stay away from any product that has the caveat, "not evaluated by the FDA."
If you want to look like a complete dork, purchase some Foster Grant Light Specs.
If it will keep your flannel pajama bottoms out of WalMart, buy yourself some pajama jeans.
They start advertising anti-depressants around eleven a.m. I'm pondering the significance of this.
The Sturgis motorcycle rally is not a family event.
There is healing power in juicing.
You can get paid to shop on Ebates.  You can get a computer for $67 on Qubids.  If you buy one room for flooring, you get two more rooms free at Empire.
Okay...so I haven't raised my MENSA score, but I'm a font a useless knowledge. I expect that by the time I finish my last six anti-biotics I'll be a drivelling fool.  Then I can sign up to retrain my brain at Lumonisity.com. I can't decide who is sicker...me or my televsion.

Who Is Celia Rivenbark?

Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea anyone named Celia Rivenbark even existed.  When I first I started reading her books, I figured we must be sisters separated at birth or at least long-lost cousins. When I tracked down her photo I realized that we could only be related IN MY DREAMS.
Okay, so she is a pretty blonde journalist with a penchant for profanity. Otherwise, we are EXACTLY the same.  We both have written books. I just finished reading Rivenbark's  We're Just Like You Only Prettier and You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl and I'm on the cusp of Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank. These books are each a collection of  essays that will keep you laughing at life and the world around you.
They have left me haunted by the thought that she is channeling me. If you have been following Texas Jot, you will notice that we take aim at many of the same subjects.  She doesn't like politicians who can't keep their pants on, exercise and twitter.  Okay, she likes the Obamas and I don't...ditto on the Snuggie...I like Barbie, she doesn't...but we both agree on men.  Her better (make that other) half is DUH.  Mine is PARTNER.  They  have starring roles in our writing. We both live in the South and appreciate food... her weakness is fast food, mine dessert. She incorporates recipes in her book....two of my books are nothing but recipes.  Her name is Celia, I'm Cece.  She has a daughter.  I have two. There is just too much similarity to be a mere coincidence.
Fess up Celia Rivenbark.  What's going on?

How Do You Wear Your Pantyhose: With Panties or Commando?

I grew up with days-of-the-week underwear. Being raised by a mother who constantly reminded her family that it was imperative to wear clean underwear in case one had an accident and went to the hospital... it would have been mortifying to die on a Tuesday wearing Monday's underpants. Today, it seems, underwear is becoming an optional accessory.

I have friends on both sides of the fence with the pantyhose issue.  Some are die-hard panty (or pantie) wearers and others feel that the panty part of the pantyhose takes the place of traditional underwear. Doing a little investigative reporting, I delved into my hosiery drawer. 

It seems that some pantyhose (tights in the UK) have quite a substantial panty built right in.  Others are just sheer hosiery right to the waist.
I hate to digress to the whole Visible Panty Line issue, but those who find VPL a disgrace to womankind can appreciate the clean line that pantyhose provide. I can see how this would be a benefit with some of today's clinging skirts and dresses, but I honestly would rather someone know I had underwear on under my white jeans. I don't even understand pantyhose with pants, jeans, slacks, etc. unless it is below freezing. I mean, your legs are already covered up. Buy some socks or knee-highs.
It used to be that many companies had dress codes barring bare legs for women.  Now it is a free-for-all of fashion, or lack of it.  Why any professional woman would head off to work in a suit and bare legs is beyond me. Even worse...going Commando (no undies). We've spent centuries trying to prove we are the social and educational equal of men.  Now we are so cocky that we think we don't have to maintain that professional image.  Put on some hosiery!!! And while you're at it...I would advise wearing underwear to work, too. The pluses of this are:
1. Avoiding an embarrassing exposure.
2. Addressing hygiene, odor and chaffing issues.
Some women love the thong under their pantyhose, but I can't even go this one on its own.  Why would you purposefully put on something that would cause an all-day Melvin (pants in the butt) trapped under a layer of hosiery? Others swear by the smoothness provided by a spandex/Lycra panty...no VPL under the hose.  I think the best solution of those who embrace the pantyhose/no panty is the panty liner.  No lines, hygienic and less chance of overexposure.  Besides, it could be your day for a trip to the hospital.

Valentine Pin-Up Girl, Joan Leslie

Unlike some of the 1940's movie stars, Joan Leslie is difficult to characterize.  Although she was often cast as the sweet young woman, this redhead was up to the challenge of meatier roles. Not the Rita Hayworth vamp or the girl-next door June Allyson, but a character unto herself. She was a triple threat with her acting, singing and dancing ability, but never seemed to dominate a film like some of the other stars of that era. Maybe it was her petite size (5'4").
Joan began her singing career in vaudeville at the age of nine.  Despite her experience, the studio dubbed her voice (Sally Sweetland) in almost all her movie appearances.  She did manage to make the vocal cut on A Lot in Common in The Sky's the Limit. While Fred Astaire is a doddering 44-years-old in this film, Joan turned eighteen during the filming. The following clip is of Fred and Joan dancing to an instrumental version of This Could be My Shining Hour.
http://youtu.be/7tx1trIfZbI

You may also remember Joan as James Cagney's sweetheart in Yankee Doodle Dandy.

During the war years, she was a regular at the Hollywood Canteen performing for servicemen. She was a print model and appeared on many movie magazine covers.  A real pin-up girl of the times...one of the few that was actually near the age of many of the young soldiers.

 

If you're looking for a happy ending for a Hollywood star, Joan would be your example. She married a doctor in 1950 and had twin daughters. After her daughters were grown, she returned to the public eye with appearance in various television shows.

Nice to see that good girls can come out on top in the game of life.  For some reason, this picture epitomizes Joan Leslie...look at the glint in her eye.  This guy is getting nowhere.

Dennis Morgan gets a "No Sale."