I realize that I sent my list to you in August, but an unfortunate change of circumstances has forced me to revise my list. Please disregard the perfume, cookware and books and substitute the following emergency equipment for my mule. I know you will be able to relate to this, as you also have a red vehicle.
2. flashing lights and a James Bond style ramming device for the Mule (Rationale: See my little mule. It is no match for the speeding big trucks and rigs. I fear being run over, maimed and crushed.)
3. upgraded bullets for my handgun (Rationale: Snake shot was enough to protect me from the rattlesnakes, but now the place is crawling with strange men.)
4. gas mask (Rationale: I fear the poisonous gas spewing from the well sites. I know of someone who just died from exposure to this stuff.)
You know I'm not a person who is subject to whims and change of heart...you might even say, stubborn and intransigent, but none-the-less, I would not request these last minute changes unless I feared for my life.
Your loving fan,
PS Could you throw in some gas masks for PARTNER, my kids and a tiny one for the grand-baby? Also, don't forget the five defenseless dogs.
PPS Remember the little chat we had at the mall about Apache? No gifts, just coal.
PPPS I will have the oatmeal cookies you requested and a to-go bag for Mrs. Claus.