Apache Reverses Evolution!

A few weeks ago, we were greeted at the ranch gate by the yellow-breasted fume inhaler.  Little did I know it was a harbinger of things to come.  It seems the ecology of the Diamond B is changing dramatically, causing the first know case of  reverse evolution.
Last week, I was more than startled to discover this new species. I have named  it badgopine degeneress.  It is either a cross between a badger and a porcupine or a relative of Ellen Degeneres.

I was ready to call the scientific community with this marvelous bit of de-evolution, when I discovered an even greater find.  I'm guessing it was the toxic fumes, but one of the Apache workers has morphed into a deviant form of the first early modern human from 120,000 years ago. Meet CROW-MAGNON MAN!

While all this may be well and good for the anthropologists and scientists of the world, I'm a little worried that soon PARTNER and I will start foraging for bugs and worms...not to mention the expense of depilatories. Do we make a nest or live in a cave? "So easy a caveman could do it" will take on a whole new meaning for us. Will my great-grandchildren be little monkey-faces?
What if this is happening everywhere Apache is drilling in Garden City?  What if all the cotton farmers put aside their tractors and combines and start using rock tools? What if Apache has turned the tide of evolution FOREVER? What if we become a nation run by hair-brained idiots? (Oh wait, that's already happened.) Well, all I can say is that this Mayan calendar thing may be for real...we may not even make it to 12/12. Thanks Apache for speeding up the process.