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Monday, November 12, 2012
Turkeys Make Demands of President Obama
Dear President Obama,
Congratulations to you and Mrs. Obama on your re-election. I think I can safely say that, thanks to the population of turkeys, you won the election.
Every year it is traditional for the President to pardon the White House turkey, but as the appointed spokes-turkey, I am demanding even more for our turkey nation. We think we are due our own entitlement programs. We are tired of getting stuffed when it come to the holidays. We can't honestly see the difference in protecting migratory birds, condors and bald eagles...why not turkeys?
I'm sure you are well aware that Ben Franklin was a fervent supporter of the turkey as the national bird. As you know, it only takes a few votes to swing an election in or out of your favor. We feel we were not adequately represented at the time this vote was taken. While we don't expect you to change the national bird, we would like some protection from predators, guaranteed health benefits and retirement.
Since the drive to install wind turbines, we have suffered great losses of family members when they inadvertently flew into the blades. I, myself, lost my cousin, George Washington Fowl. My wife made the mistake of landing on a hot solar panel, and was rendered sterile from the burns. These are two of the many incidents that have had a deleterious effect on the lives of turkeys. As you can see, we also need disability benefits. (Since you're responsible for this alternate power business, consider yourself lucky we haven't sued.)
I know you have this fiscal cliff thing to deal with, but honestly, we don't have time to wait. Thanksgiving is 10 days away! If you don't pull this off for us, we are all going to migrate to another country. Without our votes, you'd be packing your furniture. Give us what we deserve, or feathers will fly!
PS...I think you'd have done better in the South if you started pronouncing your last name as though it rhymed with Alabama.